CIRCLES

WHEN CHILDREN CRY

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Is there life out there? I ask from these walls that feel like a cage, sometimes. What is it like to live a normal life? When abnormal becomes normal, Is there such a thing as normal anymore?CIRCLES

I don’t know. What do people with normal lives do that in my circles, going round and round,  I can’t anymore? Do they live in the same constant turmoil of senseless debates that resembles arguments.

Do they work tirelessly cleaning the continual non-stop never-ending workload of continual messes of strewn stuff and articles of clothing in the rooms you worked so hard to straighten, moments before the moments ago?

Do they have meals in process of being prepared ruined by dirty hands all into, and over your work in progress? Hands dirty from the nose picking and scratching, or scratching inappropriate private places that you’ve constantly reminded them it’s inappropriate for public display?

Do they have a hard time remembering their own names because they constantly have to think for two people about every aspect of every moment of  everyday life,?Behaviors, safety and responsibilities, then, act on it.. quickly?

As my child teaches me the true meaning of unconditional love, there is still a part of me that longs to just live normally again. Just to be able to quietly and calmly just be sometimes,.. rather than the constant chaos and turmoil of never-ending problems and events that flow in my life of being the single parent of a special needs child who is continually growing into a special needs adult.

The chaos and events of being a parent-hostage… Ok,.. just interrupted again, and I lost that thought again!

I’ll be back in a moment when I can regroup and grasp that thought and focus again,..maybe?….

Exhausting!…

It’s difficult to work a job to pay our bills with no sleep, because you don’t sleep. The constant circles of every moment of everyday, the same constant picking and choosing of senseless battles. Battles that no one ever wins, and everyone looses just to try and get you to do the “normal” things we all must do just to get through a “normal” day.

Circles. The “normal” things most take for granted. “You need to brush your teeth everyday.  I know we just did this last night, but this is another day. And this is how you put toothpaste on your toothbrush, not the whole tube.

And your hair, this is the way to get the tangles out, I’m not trying to hurt your hair.

Circles. Blow your nose, wash your hands, you still have soap on them, wash your body, then rinse, first your face then your underarms, rinse and repeat. Use the toilet, wipe yourself, wash your hands. Every time. you must rinse and repeat.

Circles. You dress this way, first your arms, in your shirt, then your feet in your pant’s, quick!.. awww, don’t walk in front of the open doors and windows naked, people might see you. You must dress in private you can do this like everyone else on this planet must do.  You are no different,… but yes,…you are different. Oblivious… the thought process is not there.

I must be strong. I can do this. How can I do this? I don’t want to do this. If I don’t do this what’s going to happen? Does it make me a terrible parent to think this? Does that make me wrong? How can I do this? How can I do this and be able to work?

Does that make me normal?.. I’m confused.  Abnormal has become normal… What is normal?

Are people going to judge me? They already do. When you have a child with special needs, who from appearances seems “normal” to a degree,.. then, society expects “normal” and it’s bad parenting when all eyes focus on you.
..Walk a mile in my circles. I must keep doing this, you are my child and no one else will……

Whining and crying late into the night, because the words , “I want you” are burnt in my brain. I’m smothering with demands that I can never complete..

The same circles, night after night. You are big enough and old enough at almost sixteen years old to sleep in your own bed. Your nice brand new comfy mattresses on your beautiful new bedroom suite I worked so very hard fixing and refinishing that I bought from the second hand store.

Your bedroom, I painted it your favorite color you promised to sleep
in your own bed if I would. I did,  you didn’t.  Refusing.

Circles. I got you the night light, and then the television of which even I don’t own one myself, all in effort of
hopes of your empty bed promises to sleep, so I can sleep, ..and, you wouldn’t, circles, refusing.

Circles, I’ve tucked you in, in blankets of down, read to you stories of “normalcy” in model effort and hopes, to reach something “normal”, somewhere in you, to help you learn to understand, this is how “normal” people do this.
This is the way it’s suppose to be.

Circles, I know you hate the way pull-ups feel, but it’s fruitless and endless to keep washing the mounds of endless blankets, sheets and laundry you create from the food spills, and uncontrollable bodily fluids, because of the kidney defect we had to have surgery for in 04.. I thank God for miracles.

My furniture, even though second hand, has taken a tole from the constant day in and day out washing of urine, and food messes. Besides, we went for so long without furniture, until I finally managed to save enough to buy it second hand.

I bought our furniture from a thrift store because it’s all I could afford, The furniture I worked so hard cleaning initially and was so proud, after lot’s of  hard work, elbow grease, working, and scrubbing, I was able to remove the scribbled marker drawings from somewhere past, of a former owner.

I wonder? …did they have a special needs child, or did they just have busy “normal” lives, doing busy “normal” things while their  “normal” kids had a field day on their new  found canvas? I wonder if they scribbled the walls too?

After, I convince myself I’m somehow doing the earth good by doing green, recycling, and saving the earth. Although you don’t realize, I know the truth. because it’s difficult to work and take care of you. I work at work, I work at home and I only work in the same circles, never accomplishing, never done.

Ahhh..to dream about a live in nanny who truly cares about you,
so I can, if only for a fleeting moment…just be.

Circles, A single mom and special needs superwoman, It’s difficult to work with no rest, and hard to find any one to help me watch you so I can work. My funds are limited, and parents are gone, there will never be grandparents, even when they were here the grand parenting was very limited for reasons I won’t go into here,. The day cares refuse to keep you #1 because you have special needs, #2 because you are chronologically over the magic age of twelve,

although your mind is not..

When I do rarely stumble across some temporary help, it is always just that. ..temporary.

Circles, .. I worry.  I worry they will not care for you properly, or worry even, that they will abuse or mistreat you because either, they don’t understand special needs, thinking they can come in unknowing, with all of their could
of’s, should of’s, and would of’s, do it this way or that, only to discover, that I am doing it the only way.

Most, really just don’t care or allow you the dignity of just being you, only looking to make a quick buck.

Round and round, and round we go, where love stops, nobody knows…circles. For sanity sake, or insanity sake,  I must keep going in these same circles,

…because I love you.

I will keep scribbling on my very special scribbling post.

Written by:

Teri Broadstreet

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